Fun for all the family at Xmas: write your own criminal profile

By 17th December 2009Uncategorised

One thing I cannot suppress when reading true crime, is imagining my own criminal profile. And it’s just as well these documents are only used as supporting evidence, or I’d be on death row right now, writing appeals to the governor. Have CSI lingo handy, give your nan and uncle a pencil and paper, be totally honest with yourselves, delve into what might be interpreted as your dark sides, weaknesses, flaws and shameful episodes and begin to write your own criminal profile. Here’s as much of mine as I will make public:

The accused: Adam L G Nevill:

Is a transient and had 18 addresses in 18 years

Seems to change job every few years, but has spent the last five as a career pornographer, publishing material of a sexual or erotic nature.

Is 40, unmarried with no dependents; neighbours claim he keeps himself to himself, and hardly know if he’s ever in residence. The neighbours on the left hand side of his current address have had no contact with him in five years: secretive.

Has written nine erotic novels featuring BDSM, which demonstrates an obsession with pornographic violence. Further evidence of misogyny and the accused’s difficulties with maintaining long term monogamous relationships with women. Books were written under a pseudonym which possibly suggests identity dysfunction, and a delight in assuming other personas.

Has written two other novels of supernatural horror, revealing a fascination with the occult, inflicting terror and death. Obsession with the occult and supernatural suggests possible messiah complex.

Has been known to regularly partake in airsoft skirmishes, which reveals a fascination with firearms.

Books concerned with the occult, 20th Century dictators, and military history were found at the accused’s residence.

A large collection of horror films, including titles once classified ‘video nasties’ were also found at the accused address, demonstrating a visual and auditory fascination with human suffering.

Possesses a huge collection of Heavy Metal music of a satanic, aniti-social, and anti-authoritarian nature.

Candidate clearly displays latent psychopathic tendencies.

Still fancy me? Didn’t think so. I’m even beginning to frighten myself. But, anything can be twisted (as in astrology) to fit a motive or profile if the will is there. In reality, I do like weird literature and horror films, and have amassed a collection of each, cut my teeth writing erotica, and edit mainstream erotic fiction sold in Smiths and Waterstones; am unmarried and childless by design; my neighbours on the left side are Russian and speak no English; and in London everyone “keeps himself to himself”. I also have an interest in military and twentieth century history, and am a collector of odd things and outsider culture.

Hang him! The old women in the park would dismember me on sight.

“There is something a bit odd about him. I mean all those books on devils and things?”

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